Law 11

Being British

Being British is about driving in a German car to an Irish pub where we drink a Belgian beer. On the way home we pick up an Indian curry or a Turkish kebab. Then we sit on Swedish furniture and watch American shows on a Japanese TV.

Most of all we're very suspicious of anything foreign.

More than that, only in Britain can you get a pizza quicker than an ambulance; only in Britain do banks leave both doors open, but chain the pens to the counter; only in Britain do supermarkets make sick people walk to the back of the store to get their prescriptions, while healthy people can get their fags at the front.

We might be British, but you can't deny that we're bloody funny.

Hail to the Irish

Yesterday I drank my first pint of Guinness in 30 years. Just a gesture to say thank you to Ireland for voting down the EU constitution [sic].

Unfortunately thinking it will make any difference is about as fanciful as my having shared that pint with Caprice.

Now I await the usual weaseling out by the Euro-imperialists. We shall hear that the Irish didn't understand the 'treaty'; or that they voted for the wrong reasons; or not enough of them voted. And that they'd better do it again and get it right next time.

In fact the people of Ireland have demonstrated that they know what most British people now know, that for all the talk of streamlining the decision-making process, that this was yet another sprint down the road to the United States of Europe.

The Irish do not wish to become a mere province of a foreign empire. They had enough of that with us.

For all the talk of scaremongering about abortion and taxation I think that the recent floating of the idea of a European army was what put a lot of Irishmen off the treaty. Quite apart from the fact that they cherish their neutrality what more tangible proof is that there we are heading towards a European state.

I'm listening to Jim Murphy, our 'Europe Minister', who's smarming about 'respecting' the Irish decision and that nation's 'sovereignty', before going on to say that the process continues and that the Irish government will have to come to Europe with its proposals on 'the way forward'.

Gordon Brown plans to blunder on on with our own Parliamentary ratification process. What's the point if we are 'respecting' Ireland's decision? I often hear that Brown is not keen on the EU. That's surprises me. He's such an arrogant bully, that he's a natural for it.

Hail David Davis

This is a day to salute David Davis.

His action in resigning to fight a by-election on the single issue of civil rights may be quixotic but it is a magnificent gesture.

His leader - a spinner and trimmer - may be doubtful, and jobsworths like Gillian Merron may be totally mystified, but all who see politics as more than an argument between two sets of potential managers will applaud him.

Politics is about principle.

There are four things I constantly hear in the arguments about the chipping away of our freedoms:

One is the strange idea that locking potentially innocent people up for six weeks will prevent terrorism. How? How would it have prevented the London bombings? Yet, I only have to ask this question to be accused of being 'soft on terrorism'.

And yet I'm not soft at all, neither on terrorism nor on any sort of crime. I believe in capital punishment, more prisons and longer sentences. But only after due process of law, speedy trials and the presumption of innocence.

Second is the theory that 'terrorism' is different in kind from other murders. Is it?

For example, suppose one man decides to blow up his neigbour's house over some petty dispute. Another man does the same thing because he thinks it will help bring about the withdrawal of British troops from Afghanistan. Why should the (suspected) motive of each man be a factor in how long he can be held without charge?

Third, there is this frequent declaration that 'terror' investigations need longer to complete before charges are brought. But does this not apply to all conspiracies, to fraud cases for example.

Fourth - and this applies to all the infringements of our liberty, CCTV, ID cards, the DNA database, stop and search, on-the-spot fines, etc - 'If you've nothing to hide, you've nothing to fear.'

On the contrary, it is we the innocent who have most to fear from the presumption of our guilt.

One last thing, on this day of fighting for political principle. Later on we'll hear the result of Ireland's referendum on the EU constitution. With any luck, I'll be drinking a pint of Guiness in honour of that country's vote against.

Question Time in Lincoln

When you happen to meet Geoff Hoon in the gents, it is perhaps not the most convenient moment to ask for his autograph. So when my son found himself in this situation the other Thursday, he contented himself with a grunted greeting. Mr Hoon is not my son’s favourite politician.

We were both at Lincoln’s Drill Hall for the recording of Question Time.

To be honest, I’m not a fan of the programme, nor of its radio equivalent, Any Questions. There are too many predictable questions, followed by answers that are either evasive or blatant claptrap. And there’s something about applauding just because you agree with someone that I find irritating.

But, what the hell, it would a free night out and something to talk about in the pub later. So we both applied, and after a few questions about our age, occupation and views, designed to ensure a reasonably balanced audience, we received our tickets.

The programme is recorded but not edited and the whole process took about 3 hours. We arrived about 6.30 to be checked in and frisked – that was a first for me. Well, it was a metal detector check; I’d better not exaggerate.

Through to the bar. Which was closed. I would have thought that a few drinks would help the show go with more of a swing, but I was to discover that there are plenty of people opinionated enough to have no need of Dutch courage. I noticed Max Nottingham, our local letter-writer and phone-in celebrity, lurking about in his trademark green woolly hat.

So after coffee, a BBC apple and a packet of crisps, a distinguished-looking David Dimbleby addressed us – two or three hundred I would say -with a few jokes and handed us on to the floor manager who, after a few jokes of his own, staged a rehearsal, with volunteers acting out the part of the panel. To my son’s embarrassment I volunteered and took up a position in favour of corporal punishment in schools. I’m not sure that I hold that opinion, as a matter of fact, but it’s more fun being illiberal.

I was surprised to hear a young teacher advocating the cane. This moved a furious-looking man, who described himself as a school governor, to declare that he would never employ a teacher with such views. (I wasn’t aware that governors had a hand in appointments). It struck me as amusing that this guy, and another one who claimed a more optimistic view of children’s response to ‘love’, manifested such suppressed violence in their eyes. I think they would have loved to give me and that young teacher a bloody good thrashing.

The floor manager gave us a piece of advice. ‘When you hear a panellist say, ‘’What’s important to remember here . . .’’, you know they’re flannelling.’ I made a note of that.

We finally got going about 8 o’clock. The panel assembled.

There was Geoff Hoon, of course, a politician with no apparent convictions of his own, rather like our own MP, Gillian Merron. You always feel that if you asked, ‘How are you?’, they would ring up number 10 to find out the official answer and then preface their reply with a list of the government’s accomplishments.

The Tory was Eric Pickles, the hero of Crewe and by the sound of him not an old Etonian. Politically lightweight, physically quite the opposite.

Caroline Lucas is a Green MEP, with cropped hair and an earnest air. She has some sort of strange title which avoids her being called ‘Leader’, apparently too authoritarian in tone. Whatever she is, moreover, she’s a joint one.

Ruth Lea is a former Treasury civil servant who confessed to a personal dislike of Gordon Brown and is now involved in an anti-EEC group called ‘Global Vision’.

Last, and definitely least, Dan Snow, son of his father.

It seems to be a law of political interview that the straightness of an answer is in inverse proportion to the likelihood of the interviewee exercising power. Likewise the naiveté of it. That was Dan Snow, who announced with great conviction, ‘Prison doesn’t work.’

Ruth Lea talked a lot of sense. When I mentioned this to someone in the pub later he merely replied, ‘Must be a bit right wing then.’ Do I have some sort of a reputation?

The questions were, as I predicted, predictable: petrol tax, MPs’ pay, health and safety ‘gone mad’, knife crime, the Labour Party’s ‘leadership crisis’.

Nothing about Iraq, the US presidential race or local Lincolnshire issues like migrant workers or post office and pub closures.

Caroline came in for criticism in the local press, in the days following the broadcast, for using a car, first to get to Lincoln from Retford, where she had missed her rail connection, and then to return to London. The latter journey, to make matters worse for some reason was by ‘chauffeur-driven’ car.

The woman is obviously a hypocrite, isn’t she, her green and leftist principles a mere sham?

I don’t think so. If she were to fulfil her obligation to appear she could hardly have done so trying to get to Lincoln by bike. As for the chauffeured drive home, that was a BBC car that was going back to London anyway and in any case was shared.

This little post-broadcast episode, ad hominem in tone, was typical of the standard of debate throughout the media, in Parliament and in pubs.