Sonnet 2 - back to work

I've kicked ideas about and they seem to have gelled into one basic image. Days are like women; they come and go with a sad inevitability.

But take that a stage further and the cycle of the day becomes a simile for a relationship, a love affair, an act of love-making. The overtures of dawn, the torrid afternoon, the regretful evening, the little death of night.

I'm sticking with the opening lines I came up with a few days ago, but I've altered them a little -

The day creeps in across my crumpled sheets,

Unbuttoning night's sombre, convent dress

I didn't like 'dress of night' very much. This way I drop a couple of non-contributory words (of, the) and I've got in 'convent' with its connotations of celibacy. 'Sheets' is slightly less unoriginal than 'bed' and besides I might want to rhyme it with 'heat'. I think I've broken that rule I set myself.

I could go on like this -

Cover'ing my body with caressing heat

Rubbish! 'Covering' is weak. How about fluttering fingertips? 'Caressing heat' won't do. In any case, 'heat' is wrong. Heat is for the afternoon. This time of day is warm, gentle, teasing. I've also got to use the double meaning of the word 'rouse' somehow.

With teasing fingers rouses me from sleep

or

With teasing warmth she rouses me from sleep

Needs working on. It's all a bit poetic, isn't it? I'd really like it to be more conversational, more like the original quotation I started with. I'll carry on like this though and then maybe recast the wole thing.

I'd heard a story once about a novelist and a poet who met up for a drink after a day's work.

'Had a good day?' asked the poet.

'Not bad,' was the reply. 'Two thousand words. How about you?'

'Well,' said the poet, 'this morning I took a comma out. And this afternoon, I put it back in.'